


Breathe

by ravenclawkohai



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:46:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9933149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenclawkohai/pseuds/ravenclawkohai
Summary: Prompt: “What do you mean by leaving?”Sefikura break up





	1. Chapter 1

“What do you mean by _leaving?_ ”

This was going worse than he had planned.

               Sephiroth was widely renowned for being fearless, especially after the Wutai war. He was known for his ability to calmly and coolly look death in the eye and come out victorious. The very last thing anyone who knew anything about his military exploits would call him is _cowardly_.

               And yet, somehow, this was harder than any battle he’d ever been a part of.

               “I mean exactly what I said. I’m leaving,” Sephiroth stated, the same way he presented facts and figures in board meetings. His tone was flat, his expression even, he’d even slipped comfortably into parade rest—there was not a line of tension in his body. Yet somehow, he still couldn’t bring himself to look Cloud in the eye.

               “Why are you making it sound like this isn’t just a mission you’re getting called on?” Cloud asked, tone all hesitance and confusion. “Why do you make it sound like you won’t come back?”

               Sephiroth sucked in a deep breath. He reminded himself to breathe—that was how he’d gotten through an infinite amount of sticky situations. All he had to do was breathe, if he could breathe he was alive, and the rest would fall into place from there. He just had to keep breathing.

               It had never been harder to breathe in his life.

               “Because this isn’t a mission,” he explained, still staring just above Cloud’s left ear. “And I won’t be coming back.”

               He knew Cloud—knew him very well by this point. He knew his inferiority complex, his heartbreakingly low respect for himself. He knew that, sooner or later, he would take what was happening as his due, and only be grateful for the time he had been granted.

               He also knew that Cloud was a spitfire, quick to anger if the right buttons were pressed, and while he never stood up for himself, he was more than capable of standing against something he viewed as unjust. And while Sephiroth knew he would accept this in time, likely blame himself for it even, he should have expected that initial bout of flame.

               “Stop speaking in riddles,” Cloud snapped. He knew now, in his gut, what Sephiroth had been trying to say. He was just holding out that last bit of hope that he was wrong, and already the realization was sitting like acid in his stomach. “If you have something to say, just say it.”

               Deep breaths, Sephiroth reminded himself. Breathing meant life. No matter what else happened in the world, as long as he could breathe, he could live.

               Even if it felt like he was gouging out his own heart to do it.

               “I’m leaving our relationship,” Sephiroth said curtly. “We’re done.”

               From the corner of his eye, he could see Cloud go pale. He could see his eyes shoot wide, his mouth drop open into a little “o” of surprise. He could see the tremble set into his fingertips.

               This was where Cloud folded. Where he collapsed in on himself and took all the blame, even though it had all been Sephiroth’s fault. Where it became his turn to avoid eye contact, to flee from Sephiroth’s apartment as quick as he had come.

               Sephiroth breathed deeply. He didn’t _want_ Cloud to blame himself for everything, but it would be futile to attempt to convince him otherwise, and arguing that he was reluctant to end their relationship in the first place would only make it harder for both of them.

               What he had not expected, was for Cloud to grab him by the jacket, crowd him, force him to stumble backwards until the petite blond had him pinned against a wall.

               In spite of himself, in spite of all the promises he had sworn, Sephiroth finally met Cloud’s eyes.

               They were watery, certainly, tears quickly slipping down his face, but oh, there was a fire there he hadn’t even begun to anticipate.

               “What do you mean, ‘we’re done?’” Cloud hissed, glaring up at Sephiroth. There was hurt there, oh, there was more than enough of it, but the rage had begun to blot it out.

               “I mean, cadet—”

               “Don’t you _dare_ ‘cadet’ me, not now, not after everything—”

               “That our romantic relationship is over.”

               “ _Why?_ ”

               Sephiroth didn’t answer. His eyes tilted away, unable to meet the flaming blues in front of him.

               Cloud pulled him forward by his jacket before slamming him back against the wall.

               “ _Answer me_ , you bastard,” Cloud said, in a small, angry whisper that stung so much more than if he had yelled.

               “I—”

               “ _Look at me_ ,” Cloud interrupted. Sephiroth watched as the blond’s knuckles turned white, he was gripping his jacket so hard. “After everything, you owe me that much.”

               He took a breath.

               If he could breathe, he was alive. If he was alive, he could move forward. He just had to remember that.

               But _gods_ , it had never been so difficult to remember.

               Sephiroth summoned every scrap of will he could manage and met Cloud’s eyes before continuing.

               “Our relationship should never have begun,” he said, tone flat, utterly dead. “It is inappropriate, as well as doubtable that you could even consent—”

               “Bullshit, you know _full well_ that I want this, _I_ was the one who came onto _you_ —”

               “Considering my position of authority over you. If anyone should find out—”

               “I’m okay with keeping it a secret, I’ve _always_ been okay with it being a secret—”

               “Both you and I would face disciplinary action.”

               “I’m not afraid of that—”

               “You should be,” Sephiroth snapped, his voice like a whip. It finally shut Cloud up. He grabbed Cloud’s hands, pulling them from his jacket. He took a step forward, his eyes now burning as much as Cloud’s had, as Cloud matched him with a backwards step, each matching the other pace for pace.

               “You think that I _want_ that for you?” Sephiroth hissed, hands tightening enough around Cloud’s that his joints began to creak. “You think I could sleep at night, knowing that you were being punished because I didn’t have enough self-control to do what was obviously the right thing? You would be removed from the cadet program, any hope of becoming a SOLDIER going down the drain. You would be barred from any position at Shinra for breaking the codes of conduct, and we both know full well that the only way to truly earn a living wage in this city is in Shinra’s employ.”

               “You don’t know that—” Cloud began, finally starting to get a bit of his fire back, standing is ground.

               “And even if that weren’t the case,” Sephiroth pressed on. “If anyone in the cadet or SOLDIER program outside of Zack knew, do you not think that every accomplishment you earned wouldn’t be colored by our relationship? If you made it into SOLDIER, it would be because I pulled strings to get you in. If you made second or first, it would be because I helped you. No matter how skilled you proved yourself to be, no matter how many missions you completed, no matter how thoroughly you earned what you got, no one would believe you did anything other than fuck your way to the top. Is that what you want to be known as? My bed-warmer? So incapable of succeeding by your own merit that you had to stoop to sleeping with me to earn a place?”

               “I—” Cloud said, the fire fading, hesitance starting to show.

               “There is no way this ends well if someone finds out, and we both know it.”

               Cloud took a deep breath, just as Sephiroth had been doing. The general could watch the blond rallying, building himself up to make a rare attempt to stand up for himself, and his heart broke to watch it. It was futile, and deep down, they both knew it.

               “You don’t know anyone would find out.”

               “Time isn’t on our side, Cloud. There are a thousand ways we could be caught through nothing but slip ups of our own. Can you imagine our chances if the Turks caught wind? They’d know the truth before we would even know to attempt to hide it further. How we feel doesn’t matter. Our relationship would do nothing but damn us both.”

               Sephiroth stood stock still as Cloud yanked his hands from his own. He watched as the blond looked him up and down before taking a purposeful step away.

               “Imagine what would happen if the real truth came out,” Cloud bit, words edged and hot as flame.

               “And what truth is that?” Sephiroth asked, voice dead flat.

               “That the Great General is nothing but a coward,” Cloud spat.

               The cadet straightened his clothes, gave Sephiroth one last look of fury and disgust, before storming out of his apartment, slamming the door so hard behind him that it rattled on its hinges.

               Sephiroth stared at the door for longer than he intended to. In the end, he wasn’t even sure of how long he spent watching the exit with a lead weight in his stomach. Eventually, reminding himself to breathe, just breathe, he pulled away from his vigil. He did what he wasn’t very proud of and went to a cabinet to pull out a bottle he had gotten from Wutai. There was very little alcohol in the world that could affect a SOLDIER, except in exceedingly high quantities, but Wutai had succeeded in producing something so ridiculously potent that, in only moderately higher quantities than would be safe for the unenhanced, did its job.

               He wasn’t sure how much time passed. He stared, dead-eyed, at the wall in front of him, occasionally taking long pulls from the bottle, not even bothering with a glass. He could see from the corner of his eye where the sun fell through a window down the hall, a sliver of light falling against the floor. It had made its slow progression across the carpet until it faded into nothing, the dim light of the moon and stars not enough to filter into the hallway. It must have been hours before his phone went off.

               “Sephiroth speaking,” he answered, still staring at that distant point that kept his eye for so many hours.

               “What in the _hell_ did you do?”

               He took a deep breath. Breathe, just breathe.

               “What had to be done, Zack.”

               “Nothing had to be done, _Sephiroth_ ,” Zack snapped. The hard anger in his voice was unlike him, a flare of temper that Sephiroth had only seen in the most extreme cases, something extraordinary and fearsome.

               “There was no happy ending for us. You know what could have happened. This was the most painless option.”

               “Did you forget I was right next to you for all of Wutai?” Zack snapped. “You were _never_ intimidated by what _could_ happen. You decided what you wanted and made it happen, likelihood and consequences be damned.”

               “This isn’t war, Zack,” Sephiroth said, tone dead, weary. “I could keep him safe on a battlefield. I don’t know how to protect him from Shinra.”

               “By being with him, you coward,” Zack snapped. The second time in one day he’d been called that. It stung more than it should have. “By supporting him.”

               “My support would count for very little if Shinra found us out,” Sephiroth said before taking a deep pull from the bottle.

               “If,” Zack spat back at him. “I’ve never known you to throw so much away on an _if_. Call me when you grow a spine again. Maybe, just _maybe_ , I’ll think about giving you another chance.”

               “Even if that were the case, it isn’t _your_ permission I would need,” Sephiroth shot back, though there was very little heat to the words. He didn’t have it in him to be angry. Not anymore. Not now.

               “Like _hell_ it isn’t,” Zack bit. “If I so much as hear about you saying one word to him without my permission, so help me, Sephiroth—”

               “Luckily, I don’t intend to share any more words with him,” Sephiroth answered.

               “You fucking—”

               “Good night, Zack,” Sephiroth interrupted, finally sounding as weary as he felt. “Take care of him.”

               “You don’t get to—”

               Sephiroth snapped his PHS shut.

               He reached for the bottle again.

               It was going to be a very long night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a little luck and a lot of hell, Sephiroth and Cloud succeed in getting back together.

               Any single member of SOLDIER could say earnestly and honestly that Sephiroth was the single worst person at giving praise that they had ever met. It was common knowledge that Sephiroth was extremely proud of his men, would defend them until blue in the face, and would thoughtlessly brag about them in the sort of even tone that made it seem like a simple fact instead of an opinion. Yet, when training, he gave corrections, but failed to point out successes or improvements. In debriefings on missions, he recapped the events and what could have been done better, without acknowledging the accomplishments of individual soldiers. His subordinates learned quickly to recognize the look of pride on his face, the offhanded compliments heard second-hand, the way earning attention was a form of praise in and of itself.

               Both Sephiroth and his men knew the unspoken language of his approval, and though the soldiers wished their superior was more outspoken, both sides were comfortable with the arrangement.

               Sephiroth never felt the need to change that until Cloud successfully entered SOLDIER.

               To say things became complicated between them after the break up was a gross understatement. They didn’t share a single word outside of professional necessity and avoided each other’s presence like the plague. The only word Sephiroth got of Cloud was in his teacher’s reviews submitted to the blond’s file; no more than he got about any other cadet.

               He should have caught word from Zack, but that relationship had become equally fraught, if not more so. His lieutenant had never been so furious with him. Zack refused to be in the same room as him unless there was no other option, he gave his reports and not one word more, his tone a cold professionality that Sephiroth was utterly unfamiliar with. While he expected it, it still stung. Zack did not forgive him over time; he expected Sephiroth to change his mind and only intended to offer forgiveness after things were patched up with Cloud. However, time passed, and it became clear this would not be the case. Though Zack missed his friend dearly, it felt unfair to Cloud to repair his friendship with Sephiroth.

               The olive branch came from the least expected place: Cloud himself.

               “I know what you’re doing, Zack,” the blond said one day over lunch.

               “What’s that?” he’d countered.

               “You’re avoided Sephiroth for my sake,” he said. “You don’t have to.”

               The SOLDIER frowned.

               “Well he doesn’t have to be an ass, but it looks like that’s how this is gonna go,” Zack said around a mouthful of food.

               “Listen,” Cloud sighed. “This is a bad idea, okay? He’s not doing well, I can tell. He’s pale, his eyes look bruised the shadows underneath are so bad, his hands were shaking because I don’t think he’s been eating, and he’s more quiet and distant than ever. We both know he feels like shit about it, so he’s never going to ask you to forgive him, but he needs you. No one can be all alone all the time.”

               Zack watched his friend with a frown. He hadn’t realized Cloud had been paying such close attention to Sephiroth. He expected this calm even less—there wasn’t an ounce of hurt in his tone. Zack _knew_ he wasn’t over it, but it looked like Cloud had at least come to terms with it, understood where Sephiroth was coming from and decided to make some form of an attempt to move on.

               “He’s handled being alone before,” Zack grumbled down at his plate.

               “Coping’s not the same as living, Zack,” Cloud said, tone strangely gentle.

               “Seems alive enough to me.”

               “ _Zack_.”

               “Why are you on his side anyway?”

               It was Cloud’s turn to look down at his plate. He took a deep breath in and sighed it out.

               “I don’t agree with what happened,” he started. “But he did it because he cares. He wouldn’t lose much if we got caught, but I would. I think he wasn’t willing to risk my future to make himself happy. I think he didn’t want to be selfish.”

               Zack watched Cloud for a while before running a hand over his face and sighing.

               “You’re probably right,” Zack admitted begrudgingly. It earned a small smile from Cloud.

               “I still think he’s being a coward and made a decision about my future for me that he didn’t have the right to make,” Cloud said, insuring that Zack knew where he stood on the matter. “I haven’t forgiven him. If you don’t either, I get that too. But don’t put him through hell for trying to do the right thing.”

               Despite his misgivings, Zack relented.

               “I haven’t forgiven you,” he insisted, sitting across from Sephiroth in his office. He was going to be certain the man knew his position on things.

               Sephiroth leaned back in his chair, pausing in his work. He looked Zack over.

               “Then why are you here?” he asked, tone flat. He was expecting another lecture and only hoped that his lieutenant would be quick about it.

               “Because Cloud asked me to be.”

               “… what?”

               Sephiroth sat up in his chair, looking confused and alarmed (and just the tiniest bit hurt, as if it were painful just to think about the cadet).

               Zack sighed.

               “He gets why you did it,” he explained. “You’re not out of the shithouse with either of us, but he made a good point. One fuck up doesn’t mean someone should be isolated forever. We’ve been friends for too long and seen too much shit together for me to give up on you over this, especially if Cloud himself doesn’t want me to.”

               “I… see,” Sephiroth said, in a voice that made it doubtful that he did.

               “You wanna get dinner tonight?”

               A very, very heavy weight lifted from Sephiroth’s shoulders.

               “Yes.”

               Repairing their relationship was slow going. The subject of Cloud Strife was avoided at all costs; that never changed. Zack never invited both to the same gathering. It took a while before Zack settled back into their friendship enough to discuss anything other than work. But they learned how to navigate the awkwardness with time.

               The first time Cloud was mentioned again was a true accident.

               Zack had come all but skipping into Sephiroth’s office, and while the general was used to him being in a pleasant mood, this was rare. It was enough that he looked up from his work before Zack even had a chance to drop into the chair on the other side of his desk with his face split into a wide grin.

               “What is it?” Sephiroth asked, one eyebrow raised.

               “The cadet exams are done,” Zack all but crowed.

               Sephiroth’s heart stuttered in his chest. He had avoided all knowledge of the exams, focused on anything else, in a desperate attempt to not get his hopes up. He returned to his work.

               “And?”

               “Cloud got in!” Zack cheered. “Top of his class on the written exam. Physical needs some work still, but he’s made a name for himself, and—oh, I… fuck.”

               Sephiroth didn’t look up—he didn’t want to see the hesitant, uncomfortable look on Zack’s face. A warmth spread through his chest, and he wouldn’t let Zack’s reaction ruin it. A small, proud smile lit his face—a tiny enough thing that it took a practiced eye to see it. Zack watched the expression, and the tension slipped from his shoulders. A relieved smile stole over his face.

               “If he continues that way, it won’t be long before he’s promoted,” Sephiroth said. Zack all but gasped—Cloud was a forbidden topic, he certainly didn’t expect Sephiroth to engage in his outburst beyond that fledgling smile.

               “That’s what I told him,” Zack grinned. “He doesn’t believe me, thinks he’ll have to bust his ass forever to get anywhere—well, he’s not _wrong_ about busting his ass, but I don’t think he knows how to do anything else anyway. With his work ethic, I peg him for a second in months.”

               “I hope he’s given assignments that allow him to prove himself quickly,” Sephiroth said, as if they both weren’t aware that he was the one who assigned missions to SOLDIERs.

               “If he finds out you helped him, you’re in for it,” Zack cautioned. The corner of Sephiroth’s mouth twitched up.

               “I can’t imagine what you mean by that,” Sephiroth said lightly. “I expect he and the other thirds will see frequent difficult missions as a punishment.”

               Zack blinked, and then laughed.

               “Sneaky bastard,” Zack accused.

               “Is that any way to speak to your commanding officer?” Sephiroth countered.

               Zack laughed again, stood up, and headed to the door.

               “Apologies, _sir_ ,” Zack joked. Sephiroth waved his hand dismissively as his lieutenant left.

               He expected Cloud to be frustrated by the difficult missions. He did _not_ expect him to complain about it.

               Much less complain to his _face_.

               “Come in,” Sephiroth called, answering the knock at the door.

               “Sir.”

               His stomach suddenly felt like cold lead.

               “Strife,” he greeted, eyes carefully kept on his work. “Can I help you?”

               Cloud didn’t sit in the chair across from him. He stood at attention on the other side of the desk.

               “I have a question, sir,” Cloud began. It stung his tongue to use the honorific.

               It stung Sephiroth’s heart to hear it.

               “Ask,” he instructed, still refusing to meet Cloud’s eyes.

               “If I’m being punished for something, sir, I would like to know what I did wrong.”

               Sephiroth realized then that he was a little too right in how he expected Cloud to view the difficult missions.

               He sat up straighter, closed his laptop, folded his hands on the table, and finally looked at the blond.

               It melted his heart and burned it at the same time to see him. He’d been present at the commencement ceremony that inducted Cloud into SOLDIER, shook his hand as a part of it, but they had carefully avoided eye contact. After so long, it warmed him to finally see Cloud again. But gods, it felt like a stab in the heart to see the distance on his face, the careful coolness. It brought back all the memories of affection, of closeness, of _them_ that it made him clench his hands together to stop a sudden tremble.

               “You aren’t being punished.”

               “Then why am I being assigned nothing but unnecessarily difficult missions?”

               Sephiroth lifted his chin.

               “I assign my soldiers the missions I believe they are able to complete. I do not waste capable men by assigning them tasks below their skill level.”

               Finally, the distance slid from Cloud’s face. It was replaced by surprise, then quickly followed by embarrassment. He watched as Cloud’s face heated, forcibly reminding him of every other time he saw that blush.

               It thawed his heart.

               It sat like acid in his stomach.

               “I—I see,” Cloud said. “I, uhm, I—”

               “You’re dismissed.”

               “Right,” Cloud breathed, slipping out of the office without the expected salute. He would have corrected him, but the fewer words they spoke, the better. For both of them.

               If Cloud had any further questions about his assignments, he did not ask them. He did, however, stop being a forbidden topic between Zack and Sephiroth. Zack would keep him up to date on the details of Cloud’s achievements and work in greater detail than the mission files he received ever went into. He passed on funny stories and anecdotes Cloud had shared. For the first time since the breakup, Cloud didn’t feel an inhuman distance away from him. Cloud and Sephiroth still avoided each other at all costs, but, with Zack as a proxy, they weren’t quite so far apart. Though Sephiroth was unaware, he stopped being a taboo subject with Cloud as well. There was enough distance from their breakup that he was no longer quite so sore a subject. Zack told Cloud stories of Sephiroth in meetings, of him brutally shutting down heads of other departments and his ruthless, politely phrased insults. He recounted training sessions, of Sephiroth summarily knocking SOLDIERs who had gotten overconfident on their asses, of Sephiroth teaching seconds and thirds carefully and with an unexpected gentleness. They were the stories Sephiroth used to relate to Cloud once he came home from work, as well as the stories the general found unremarkable that were usually both hilarious and incredibly endearing.

               Both Sephiroth and Cloud had accepted the end of their relationship. They were able to think about their time together without the end of it coloring each memory. The pain of it had faded, but with the, admittedly roundabout, reintroduction of one another into each other’s lives, the longing grew to a trembling, near-breaking point.

               Zack could see it in their eyes how much they missed each other. He heard every wistful sigh, ever infinitely fond, soft look that came to their eyes. He was painfully aware of how hard the distance was for both of them.

               If anyone asked, Zack would insist that he hated meddling in other people’s business.

               This was a blatant lie.

               He lasted a week of seeing the reemergence of those longing gestures before resolving that he would find a way to fix things between his two friends, come hell or high water.

               There was only solution, really. As much as all three parties were loath to admit it, Sephiroth had a point when he ended things: the stakes were painfully high. The only way to fix things was to eliminate the risk.

               Zack had been Cloud’s mentor since he entered the SOLDIER program, but he began to push Cloud harder than before. It took a lot of wheedling and promises of recompense in the form of paying for take-out, but Zack dragged Cloud through a brutal training regimen that paid off quickly. He passed from third to second incredibly quickly—the only one who had made the transition quicker was Sephiroth himself. Moving from second to first came with equal swiftness.

               Zack began to press his friends, now that they were as close to equals as they could be. He coaxed Cloud into handing his mission reports to Sephiroth personally. They met at debriefings. Cloud was present at some of the meetings Sephiroth was also forced to attend. They went on missions together. He dragged them to the same social gatherings—Cloud was obligated to attend with his fellow firsts, Sephiroth’s hands forced by virtue of having attended frequently in the past.

               It was working, in its way.

               But gods, he’d never been so frustrated.

               They avoided eye contact more often than not, but gave each other longing looks when the other wasn’t looking. They never spoke directly to each other if there were others present, but Zack noticed the little flirts they traded when he was the only other one present. They attempted to hide their laughter at each other’s jokes, but did so poorly. They refused to touch one another. They couldn’t commit to trying to avoid each other or restart their relationship, and if it lasted much longer, Zack would pull his hair out in frustration.

               “All right,” Zack said, sitting Cloud down in his apartment. “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you’re really forcing my hand here.”

               “The hell are you talking about, Zack?” Cloud answered, not even glancing up from where he was flicking through television channels. Zack snatched the remote.

               “I’m talking about you and Sephiroth dancing around each other all day,” Zack said with a huff. “If I have to watch you two flirt and then immediately avoid each other one more time, I’m gonna scream.”

               Cloud pursed his lips.

               “We’re not—”

               “Oh don’t _even_ , Cloud,” Zack interrupted. “Neither of us believes it.”

               The blond looked away, still scowling.

               “Things are better now, yeah, but he’s still my superior,” Cloud admitted in a voice that made it sound like pulling teeth. “We’d still get in trouble if we got caught—he won’t go for it.”

               “Did you ask him that?”

               “Do I need to?”

               “ _Yes_ ,” Zack insisted.

               Cloud just shook his head.

               “Everyone already sees that you won your place fair and square,” Zack said earnestly, leaning toward his friend.

               “It’s still against Shinra’s code of conduct, Zack,” Cloud sighed. “I could still be fired. He won’t go for it, and I’m not sure I want to risk it, either. We’re used to not being together. We don’t need each other the way we used to.”

               “I’m just saying, you should talk about it,” Zack insisted.

               “No, Zack,” Cloud said. His tone was final. Zack was _far_ from happy to hear it.

               “Alright, alright,” he conceded, rubbing the back of his neck.

               “I know you’re just trying to help, Zack,” Cloud said with a small smile. “I appreciate the thought.”

               “Yeah, sure,” Zack sighed. Cloud clapped a hand to his shoulder in a gesture of peace-making, flicked Zack’s hair into his eyes to lighten the mood, and snatched the remote back. It was the end of the subject.

               Luckily, Cloud wasn’t his only shot.

               “Absolutely not.”

               He was, however, the better one.

               “You didn’t even hear me out,” Zack griped, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms.

               Sephiroth sighed and looked up at him.

               “Because I’ve already considered the option myself,” he admitted. “The situation is better than it used to be, I’ll admit, but the stakes are higher. Cloud has significantly more to lose now. I wouldn’t jeopardize his position then, and I won’t now.”

               “But—”

               “This isn’t up for discussion, Zack.”

               He really, truly resented how stubborn his friends could be.

               “Don’t push it,” Cloud said the second time he pestered him about it.

               “Drop it,” Sephiroth said when he asked again.

               “Come _on_ , Zack,” Cloud said the third time.

               “Ask again and I’m giving you double paperwork and your next mission will be to Icicle,” Sephiroth said.

               Zack was running out of ideas.

               “Don’t worry about it,” Cloud said to his last-ditch attempt, and it stopped Zack cold. He sounded far too chipper about it.

               “What do you mean?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

               Cloud shot him a lopsided grin.

               “I thought of something,” he confessed, and Zack let out a whoop of surprise and excitement.

               “I knew you’d find a way!” he declared, pulling his friend into a headlock. The blond laughed and elbowed him lightly.

               “I won’t get to do anything about it if you strangle me here,” Cloud countered. Zack let go, holding his hands up innocently, but was grinning like a fiend.

               “What can I do to help?” he asked earnestly.

               “Nothing,” Cloud said. “This one’s on me. But I’ve got it.”

               Zack pestered him endlessly for details about his plan, but after Cloud shut him down enough times, he let it go. The blond was confident, hopeful. All he could do was trust in him.

If Sephiroth was suspicious that Zack dropped the matter despite his threat, he counted himself lucky and didn’t push it.

What neither expected was for Cloud to up and disappear one day.

Zack assumed he was called out on an emergency mission. Sephiroth assumed he returned to being uncomfortable around him. Neither realized the problem until the weekly meeting between the firsts and Sephiroth when, afterwards, Sephiroth pulled Zack aside to ask where Cloud was, poorly concealing his concern.

“I thought he was sent out,” Zack said, brow suddenly furrowed with worry.

“I didn’t send him anywhere, and if he was requisitioned by another department, it would have had to come through my desk,” Sephiroth said, tone even, watching Zack closely. His stomach fell with his lieutenant blanched.

“That’s not good,” Zack said.

“No,” Sephiroth agreed. “No it isn’t.”

Sephiroth checked with the heads of each department, but came up with nothing. Zack asked around with the other SOLDIERs, but no one had heard a word. The worry spread from Zack and Sephiroth through the rest of SOLDIER: the department was like a pack. They took care of their own. For one of them to disappear, especially someone as skilled as Cloud, was worrisome for everyone. It only grew worse as days spread to weeks spread to months and, no matter how much hell Sephiroth raised, he couldn’t find so much as a word on the blond.

It was an _immense_ relief when Zack received the call.

“Zack,” Cloud groaned into his PHS.

“ _Cloud_ ,” Zack answered in a gust of breath. “Where are you? What happened?”

“Science department,” he said, voice thready. “Pick me up?”

“On my way,” he said, closing his PHS without a goodbye. He rushed from his apartment to the elevator, punching the correct floor number with more fury than was necessary. As he waited for the descent, he called Sephiroth.

“Sephiroth speaking.”

“Seph, I found Cloud.”

“Thank Gaia,” the general breathed, sounding as relieved as Zack felt. “Where is he?”

“Science department,” Zack explained. “I’m going to get him now.”

There was a pause.

“I am going to skin Hojo alive.”

So the professor _had_ lied, then.

“Save a piece for me.”

“No promises,” Sephiroth said before hanging up. He knew better than to go to Cloud right now. He knew _exactly_ what sort of hell the science department could be. Cloud would be weak right now. Though the tension between them had abated, he would not intrude when Cloud would be so vulnerable. Later, once the blond recovered, he would check in on him, as he would if he were any other SOLDIER. What he _could_ do in that moment was find Hojo and tear him apart.

“ _Gaia_ ,” Zack swore when he finally laid eyes on Cloud.

The blond gave a faint smile, raised one trembling hand in greeting.

“Hey,” he breathed, too weak for much else. He was seated in the science department’s waiting room, leaning heavily on the wall next to him.

“Come on, let’s get you home,” Zack said, taking Cloud’s raised hand and putting it around his shoulders. He held the hand to keep him in place and wrapped an arm around the blond’s waist, hauling him upright.

Cloud stumbled with a groan as his head swam.

“Easy does it,” Zack said, pulling Cloud slowly from the waiting room.

He muttered quiet encouragement the whole way back to Cloud’s apartment. He was infinitely glad that Cloud had given him a copy of his keycard so he didn’t have to drag the blond’s from his pocket while trying to juggle him. The lock gave with a quiet whirr, Zack shouldering the door open. He didn’t bother with the lights, blinking once or twice for his vision to clear before following the mako glow of his eyes. With the same slow, lurching steps, Zack got Cloud into his bedroom, where he eased himself onto the bed where the blond groaned, promptly flopping backwards.

“You okay?” Zack asked, kneeling down to pull Cloud’s shoes off one by one.

“Nng,” was the only answer he was given.

“You smell like the inside of a reactor,” Zack said, glancing up at Cloud. In the dark, he could see a faint glow from beneath his skin—not as bright as his eyes, but still visible.

“Don’t remind me,” Cloud grumbled.

Having pulled Cloud’s boots free, he stood and manhandled his friend beneath the covers.

“I’m gonna stay here tonight, okay? You just yell if you need me. Knock something over if you can’t yell,” Zack said, smoothing the hair from Cloud’s sweaty brow.

He waited until Cloud nodded at him and then left, closing the door softly behind him. He leaned against the bedroom door with a sigh. Hojo still had hell to pay, there were still more questions than answers, but for now, he was just glad to have his friend back. He dragged his feet finding blankets and pillows to crash on the couch; Cloud still might need him and, hopefully, Sephiroth would call him back with news.

It was three in the morning when Sephiroth called, Zack squinting at his glaring PHS screen before flipping it open and mumbling, “Hello?”

“Zack,” Sephiroth said. The barely contained fury in his tone helped shake Zack from sleep.

“What’s up?” he asked. “Did you find Hojo?”

“I did.” Sephiroth tone was laced with frustration.

“How many pieces is he in?”

“I couldn’t touch him.”

“Literally or figuratively?”

“Both.”

“He can’t just get away with kidnapping SOLDIERs and experimenting on them like rats.”

“He can when they go willingly and sign a confidentiality agreement.”

Zack sat upright with a jerk.

“ _What?_ ”

Sephiroth sighed, that frustration leaking through again. Zack could all but see him pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Hojo wants to start a new project for a secondary level of enhancement,” Sephiroth explained. “Cloud overheard them talking about it during his last mako injection. He volunteered.”

“No way,” Zack snapped. “He’s not that stupid. We stop at the level of enhancement that we do because any more isn’t safe. Not to mention ‘Hojo’ and ‘project’ is maybe the most dangerous combination of words there is.”

“Believe me, I’m aware,” Sephiroth ground out.

“How did he not know that? Didn’t you…?”

“He’s fully aware of my past, yes.”

“Then why?”

“Unless he sustained a heavy brain injury before volunteering, I don’t know,” Sephiroth said, somewhere between fury and resignation. “He’s already at the apex of SOLDIER achievements.”

“That boy will be the death of me,” Zack sighed, pressing the heel of his hand against his eyes.

“The death of both of us,” Sephiroth agreed. “Is he still asleep?”

“Out cold,” Zack said. “He’s in bad shape, Seph. He’s one step short of mako poisoning at best.”

“Fool,” Sephiroth uttered, an admonition Cloud couldn’t hear. “Take care of him.”

“I plan to,” Zack said.

“I’m… familiar with the position he’s in,” Sephiroth explained as if the admission was physically painful. “If you have any questions on how to help him, be in touch.”

“I will,” Zack promised. “You sure you don’t want to come help yourself?”

“I would likely do more harm than good,” Sephiroth said, though he sounded reluctant. “He needs to feel safe; I would be counterintuitive toward that goal.”

“If you’re sure,” Zack said. “I’ll keep you updated on how he’s doing.”

“Thank you,” Sephiroth said, true relief in his voice. “I’ll let the others know come morning that he’s been found. The details of this will be kept between us, however.”

“Yessir,” Zack said. “Don’t stay up any more working on this, Seph. You still need sleep, remember?”

“I—”

“I know you haven’t been sleeping any more than I have,” Zack interrupted. “Rest. The others are gonna hound you with questions, you’ll handle them better with some sleep. Besides, the worst is over, right?”

“Not until he’s better,” Sephiroth said.

“Still, you need—”

“It almost sounds like you’re ordering your commanding officer, lieutenant.”

His tone was lighter than it had been since Cloud disappeared. It was enough to earn a laugh out of Zack.

“No, sir,” Zack answered, though his tone was more teasing than deferent.

“Goodnight, Zack.”

“Night, Seph.”

Zack sighed, pressed the heel of his hand harder against his eyes, then ran it through his hair.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Spike,” Zack muttered, glancing to the door.

There wasn’t a sound from the other side. He attempted to return to sleep, but failed; his mind was too busy running in circles with the new information.

It was for the best, anyway. It had only been a few hours before there was a loud thump, followed by a low groan, from the bedroom.

Zack had the door open quicker than he intended; it hit the doorstop hard enough to embed it into the wall.

“Cloud?” Zack asked, starting forward to help.                      

The blond had rolled out of bed, lying face-down on the floor. He was attempting to push himself upright, but his arms trembled violently, his hand slipping on the floor.

Zack rushed forward and got an arm around him, hauling him up to sit leaning against the bed.

“Thanks,” Cloud grumbled.

“Come on,” Zack said. “Let’s get you up, huh? You could probably use some food, too.”

Cloud jerked at the word “food,” gagging and clapping a hand to his mouth.

“Bathroom,” he insisted, muffled by his palm.

               “Oh shit,” Zack uttered, picking Cloud up bridal-style in his haste to get him to the bathroom. He only barely got him there in time for Cloud to jerk forward again, heaving what was left in his stomach into the toilet.

               Zack helped keep Cloud’s hair from his face as well as he could, rubbing his back in his best attempt at comfort. All that came up was mako, pure mako, enough to make Zack cringe. He checked to see Cloud still giving off a mako glow, though it was harder to spot in the light. Not good.

               When he finally leaned back after a minute of dry heaving, Zack put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Cloud groaned and let himself fall sideways, leaning heavily on Zack.

               “Hey,” Zack said quietly. “How you feeling?”

               “Like shit,” Cloud said. “Mako-covered shit.”

               “We need to get you into the shower and wash off as much as we can,” Zack insisted, shifting to start to pull Cloud upright. He stopped him by grabbing his arm.

               “Nope,” Cloud groaned.

               “What do you mean, ‘nope?’” Zack asked, brow furrowing.

               “Don’t think I can stand up,” he slurred. “’Sides, it was mako injections, not mako showers.”

               Zack heaved a sigh.

               “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, kid,” Zack said, helping Cloud carefully to his feet, making sure to keep most of the blond’s weight supported against him.

               “Don’t call me kid,” Cloud mumbled.

               “Wrong thing to focus on,” Zack muttered, making slow progress from the bathroom to the couch, where he deposited Cloud, who flopped against the back of the couch.

               Zack took his time going into the kitchen, running cool water over a dish towel. He returned, folding it gently across Cloud’s forehead. He groaned his appreciation.

               The hours passed slowly. Zack plied Cloud with tea and cold water, though it took multiple false starts for him to be able to keep down the crackers. He slipped in and out of consciousness, never managing more than half an hour awake. Zack texted Sephiroth to keep him up to date on the situation, asking for advice on what more he could do. Sephiroth’s primary advice was sleep and patience. True to his expectations, it was another five days before Cloud seemed to manage any real progress (Sephiroth cleared Zack’s schedule, kept it clear, and would continue to until Cloud recovered). On the fifth day, Cloud managed five straight hours awake and successfully kept down a meal more significant than toast and soup. Yet his mind seemed fuzzy, fading in and out of awareness even when he was awake. He refused to answer any questions, only offering a weary, “Later,” each time Zack asked, until he gave up pushing, at least until Cloud seemed fully coherent.

               It was another week until that happened, much to Zack and Sephiroth’s distress and dismay. The other SOLDIERs were pressing Sephiroth hard about Cloud; all he had said was that Cloud had returned and was unwell. They asked repeatedly for his room number in the infirmary. They asked where Zack suddenly disappeared to. It took the sharp edge of Sephiroth’s commanding tone and a flat order for them to drop the matter, though Sephiroth could easily tell that their worry hadn’t faded in the least.

               Cloud tried to dodge Zack’s questions even after that week, but it was clear that he was on the mend, improving quickly now that the worst had passed, and he wouldn’t have it.

               “Can’t we talk about it later?” Cloud whined, hiding his face behind a mug of tea.

               “This _is_ later,” Zack said, pulling the mug from Cloud’s hands and putting it on the table, removing his last prop to stall.

               “I mean _later_ later,” Cloud pouted, looking down at his hands.

               “Cloud, it’s been over a week and a half. You know I’m bad at patience, but I’ve been trying. You’re gonna have to own up to whatever happened sooner or later; it’s better to just get it out. Like ripping off a bandage,” Zack said, sitting on the table across from Cloud. He put his hand comfortingly on the blond’s knee. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

               Cloud glanced at Zack’s hand on his knee, then fixed his eyes on his own upturned palms.

               “How much do you know?” he asked.

               “Hojo started a new enhancement project and you volunteered,” Zack explained. “We couldn’t get any more out of him.”

               “We?” Cloud asked, eyes shooting up to Zack’s.

               “Shit,” he muttered. “I mean, I—”

               “Zack, did you bring Sephiroth in on this?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

               Zack scowled and pulled his hand back.

               “I kinda had to,” he said, trying to dodge carefully around the full truth. “He’s the head of SOLDIER, Cloud, you know that. One of his firsts disappears for months? He wouldn’t be doing his job if he didn’t try to find out what happened.”

               Cloud seemed unconvinced that that was the whole of Sephiroth’s motivations, but he let it slide.

               “I… you’re gonna think this is stupid,” Cloud warned.

               “Let me be the judge of that, huh?”

               Cloud sighed.

               “I kinda made a snap decision when I overheard the scientists talking,” Cloud started, tone hesitant. “I changed my mind about it later, but at that point, I was already in neck deep and committed. I got that far, might as well finish, you know? Besides, if it pays off, maybe it was worth it. I’m not even sure Hojo would have listened to me if I tried to back out _anyway_.”

               “I know you’re always pushing yourself to be the best SOLDIER you can be,” Zack said, trying to be encouraging. “But busting your ass training is one thing. Being a science experiment is another, and I know you know the science department better than to trust them. What in the hell did you think the pay-off was gonna be that it would be worth it?”

               Cloud resolutely fixed his eyes on his hands.

               “I hit the ceiling, okay?” Cloud said. “I got as far up as I could and it wasn’t enough. I would never try to replace you as lieutenant general—you earned your title, I would feel like shit if I took it from you. And there’s no way in hell I could take Sephiroth’s place; gods, I don’t envy him his job, you couldn’t pay me to try and take his place.”

               “Cloud, you’re stalling,” Zack said, hesitantly. Somewhere, deep in his gut, he knew where this was going. He was just praying his friend wasn’t really that stupid.

               “If I could get more enhanced, stronger than the other firsts, I figured I could make my own place, beside you two. If I could get strong enough and fast enough, if I could match or _beat_ Sephiroth in a fight, we’d be equals, right?”

               “Oh _Cloud_ ,” Zack breathed. “You didn’t.”

               He shrugged, a sad little smile on his lips.

               “If we were equals, Shinra couldn’t say a word if we were together, right?”

               Without missing a beat, Zack reached out and smacked Cloud upside the head.

               “You idiot!” he said, moving on to punch Cloud on the shoulder. “You complete and utter _moron!_ ”

               “I know!” Cloud said, trying to pull out of Zack’s reach, rubbing the back of his head. “I told you, I wanted to take it back! I just—I finally found a way around the system, there was suddenly hope after years, I just opened my big stupid mouth before I thought it through.”

               “ _No one_ is worth becoming a science experiment over,” Zack remonstrated.

               “I know!” Cloud said. “I know, but—you don’t know how hard it’s been, Zack. I miss him more than I can say, and it was hard when we weren’t talking, but then we _were_ talking again, and it was so close I could taste it, and he was flirting _back_ , it felt like my heart broke all over again every day, and it was only rules standing in the way, and then there was finally a way out, and I just didn’t think. I was desperate.”

               “ _Moron_ ,” Zack insisted.

               “I fucked up, okay?” Cloud admitted, slouching back, looking defeated. “I can’t take it back now.”

               “He’s gonna be _pissed_ when he finds out,” Zack told him. “You’ll never hear the end of this one, Cloud. You fucked up _big_.”

               “What the hell am I supposed to do about it _now_?” Cloud asked, throwing his hands up in the air.

               “You’re gonna stay right there, is what you’re gonna do,” Zack said, standing up.

               As he pulled out his PHS, Cloud said, “No! Zack, c’mon, not yet.”

               “You haven’t seen him,” Zack said, flipping through his contacts. “He’s been a wreck, you know? You owe him the truth.”

               “But—”

               “No, Cloud,” Zack said, pressing the phone to his ear. “No buts, not this time.”

               “ _Zack_!”

               “No, Cloud! You wanted to know where to go from here? This is where you start, you tell the truth and you _pray_ he—Sephiroth.”

               “Zack?” he asked. He caught the end of Zack’s small tirade; he hadn’t been expecting _anger_ from Zack, not toward Cloud, not after he’d been so sick.

               “Seph, come down to Cloud’s,” Zack said, holding eye contact with the blond. “Haul ass. You need to hear this.”

               “Hear what?” Sephiroth asked. He was already closing the office door behind him.

               “Cloud’s up, you two need to talk,” Zack said, watching as Cloud slumped further and further into the couch.

               “On my way,” Sephiroth said, snapping his PHS shut.

               Zack pulled his own from his ear.

               “Zack, _please_ ,” Cloud said, putting in one last attempt.

               “Putting it off will make it worse, not better,” Zack said, tucking his PHS into his pocket.

               “You don’t know that!”

               “The hell I don’t. Stay put.”

               Zack stepped outside the apartment, ignoring the last of Cloud’s protests. He stood at the door, arms folded, waiting.

               True to his word, Sephiroth arrived at the apartment quick enough that Zack wondered if he had actually run down the hallways.

               “What happened?” Sephiroth called as soon as he was in earshot. Zack shook his head.

               “You need to hear it from him,” he explained. Sephiroth frowned, brow crinkling.

               “That bad?” he asked, finally reaching the door.

               “Worse,” Zack said with an uncharacteristic gravitas. “But go easy on him, okay?”

               Sephiroth’s eyes narrowed.

               “Why are you expecting a bad reaction from me?” he asked, making Zack sigh.

               “Because it’s bad, Seph. Worse than I thought it’d be. Just—promise to think before you speak?”

               “Unedited speech is _your_ bad habit, Zack.”

               “I know. So it ought to mean more coming from me.”

               Worry set into Sephiroth’s bones. He didn’t know what he had expected, but it wasn’t this. Zack opened the door and stood aside.

               “You’re staying out here?” Sephiroth asked.

               “Trust me, it’ll be better this way,” he said. As if Sephiroth didn’t have enough reason to be concerned.

               Without another word, he entered the apartment. He forced his pace to be even, unhurried to give Cloud time to gather himself. If he still felt ill, he’d probably need that time.

               He did need it, but it was to screw up his nerve to be honest, not out of lingering illness.

               “Cloud,” Sephiroth greeted. In spite of his best efforts, it sounded hopelessly relieved.

               “Sephiroth,” Cloud said, flicking his eyes briefly up to Sephiroth’s with a brief smile before lowering them down again.

               He wanted to sit on the edge of the coffee table, their knees near enough to bump, close enough into Cloud’s bubble of personal space that he could look him over thoroughly, search out familiar post-experiment symptoms, take stock of the damage. But Cloud looked worried, nearly afraid—he was like a Kalm fang backed into a corner. It didn’t sit well with Sephiroth.

               He pulled a chair from the kitchen table, set it on the far side of the coffee table, facing Cloud, and sat. He couldn’t help but scan over him, looking for symptoms as best he could without the nearness. The mako glow to his skin had disappeared, he no longer reeked of the chemical, his eyes shone brighter than they should (but that was to be expected), there was a hint of tightness around his eyes (headache from oversensitivity to light), a tremble in his fingers (weakness or fear?), a distinct pallor in his skin (blood iron deficiency, hunger from a lack of appetite, or that fear again?). Sephiroth’s hands folded briefly into fists, indignation against Hojo flickering hot through his gut.

               Cloud was still avoiding his eyes.

               “How are you?” Sephiroth started. The backstory could wait. What mattered was his health, first and foremost.

               Cloud shifted, hesitated, before saying, “Better.”

               “Has the headache faded from pounding?” Cloud nodded. “Still feeling weak?” A nod. “No appetite?” Nod. “Dizzy?” A shrug. It wasn’t perfect, but it was something. Better than he was when he first left the science department, of that, Sephiroth was sure. He remembered many nights spent in the science department waiting room, too ill to haul himself home, no friends, no one to rely on to help him through it. He was glad that hadn’t been the case for Cloud.

               “The sensitivity will linger, but the weakness should fade soon. Be careful with your belongings—you’ll likely be significantly stronger than you remember once your body fully accepts the changes. The dizziness will pass quickly, but you may have another few weeks of little appetite. It’s best to force yourself to eat what you can, it will give your body energy to heal quicker,” Sephiroth explained, watching Cloud nod his acknowledgement with each piece of advice.

               The silence between them spread.

               From Zack’s behavior, he knew that Cloud’s reason for volunteering was likely one he would disagree with, possibly significantly. But the waiting without knowing wore on his nerves, made a thousand possibilities flit through his mind, each worse than the one before.

               “It will be best if you just tell me,” Sephiroth finally suggested. “Winding ourselves into knots will do neither of us any favors.”

               Cloud blew out a hard breath. Breathe, he told himself. Just breathe. Hell would come, things could quite possibly go to absolute shit, but what was done was done, and he could do nothing more than survive the aftermath. Breathe.

               Across the room, Sephiroth was reminding himself of the same.

               “I was—hmm,” Cloud attempted, hesitated. “I… you and Zack are both very important to me, you know that, don’t you? Regardless of what happened, you’re still important.”

               Sephiroth’s brow puckered.

               “Thank you,” he said, tone hesitant. “But I fail to see what this has to do with your volunteering.”

               “You two—you’ve always been out of reach,” Cloud started, staring at his hands again. “Even when we were—you were out of reach. Even once I made SOLDIER, you were out of reach. Even when I made first.”

               “I… don’t understand, Cloud,” Sephiroth admitted, folding his hands together on his lap in an attempt to settle himself in professionalism, to prevent this from getting to the heart of him. “We’re all firsts.”

               “But he’s lieutenant general,” Cloud countered. “And you’re The General.”

               “It’s unprecedented among Shinra, but Wutai’s army has two lieutenant generals,” Sephiroth answered, the obvious solution of Cloud’s promotion implied.

               The blond gaped.

               Sephiroth shrugged.

               “You’re still a new first,” he said. “There would be an uproar if you were promoted immediately, and I need proof of your ability to lead as well as execute missions, but it was more of a question of when than if, from your track record. In the off chance that you struggled to lead, I didn’t want to mention it and raise your hopes only to dash them.”

               He did not expect Cloud to burst into laughter.

               He covered his eyes, laughing a deep belly laugh, shoulders shaking, tears eventually forming. He doubled over with it.

               It wasn’t difficult to hear the note of hysteria in it.

               “I’m a fucking idiot,” Cloud said as he finished laughing, wiping at his eyes. “I knew I was, but I didn’t think I was _this_ stupid.” He sighed. “Well, I guess it wouldn’t much matter anyway. It wasn’t _Zack_ I needed to rank with.”

               Sephiroth watched him with sharp eyes and a wrinkle of concern in his brow.

               He didn’t like where this was going.

               “Cloud,” he said slowly, firmly. “How does this relate to your participation in the enhancement project?”

               Cloud finally met his eyes.

               He laughed that hysterical little laugh again.

               “Oh, Seph,” he said (the nickname pulled at his heartstrings, how many years had it been since Cloud called him that?) with a note of what could only be hopelessness in his voice. “Look at you. You already know the answer.”

               Ice spread through his gut.

               “You volunteered,” Sephiroth said slowly, hoping, praying that Cloud would interrupt and tell him he was wrong, “to earn a higher rank?”

               Gods, he felt sick. The room spun.

               Cloud, the love of his life, despite their breakup, despite their distance, despite his best efforts, forever the love of his life, put himself through hell, a hell he was deeply, intimately familiar with and wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy, for _rank_? Because he felt inferior to them? Because Sephiroth was tightlipped and didn’t hint at a promotion, an option that he thought Cloud was aware of, that Cloud knew that this promotion was no different from the others, only the familiar challenge of earning it standing in his way?

               Gods, he had been a fool. Why didn’t he just say something? He could have stopped this. He could have protected him. He _should_ have protected him. But no, he had to play too close to the vest, out of that familiar old fear for Cloud’s sake. He treated him like glass, the same way he always did, and this was what came of it. After everything, he should have known to trust Cloud, to believe he was made of sterner stuff, as he had spent years proving. His protectiveness over Cloud did nothing but cause the blond pain.

               “What was it?” Sephiroth asked, voice tight, throat tight, words stilted. “Why did rank matter so much? For honor? Glory? Because you felt inferior and we failed notice and prove otherwise?”

               Cloud’s brow furrowed, and he finally looked at Sephiroth, really looked at him.

               “No, Sephiroth, don’t—it isn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong, it was my stupid—” Cloud started, one hand just barely reaching out for the man.

               He held up a hand to stop him.

               “Please, Cloud, don’t,” he said. “You always take too much of the blame. I had a part to play in this. I was just too blind to see it.”

               “But you didn’t, I should have—”

               “ _I_ should have been honest and upfront with you,” he interrupted. “I was shortsighted and overprotective to a fault. Again. You’d think I would have learned my lesson.”

               “I…”

               “Cloud,” Sephiroth said, weary, sick to his stomach. “Please just tell me why.”

               Cloud gnawed at his lower lip. Sephiroth was already taking the blame, blame he didn’t earn, and this would make it worse, so much worse. He hesitated. Was there a hope to phrase it so that Sephiroth wouldn’t take it the wrong way?

               “Please,” Sephiroth finally said, with so much resignation, exhaustion, and heartache that Cloud knew delaying would only make it worse.

               “I thought,” he started, paused. Took a deep breath. Breathe, just breathe. He could survive this. _They_ could survive this. He just had to breathe. “I thought that with more enhancements, I could prove myself your equal. All I’d have to do is spar with you, and if I could keep up, if I could just manage a stalemate, we’d be equal. I wouldn’t be general, maybe not even lieutenant general, but it wouldn’t _really_ matter anymore, everyone would see and know and it’d be okay—we wouldn’t need the same rank, not really, not for anything more than a formality, because if I could hold my own against you, who would believe that you could bully me into anything? Sure, you could pull rank, but it wouldn’t hold much water anymore, it wouldn’t matter, maybe the company would give me the rank anyway, because they care so much about image, and wouldn’t two equally capable generals be better than one? More intimidating, for sure, and—”

               He’d let him ramble enough.

               His stomach was already between his feet anyway. The blood had already drained from his face. Confirmation wouldn’t make anything worse, not really, not when he knew in his heart, in his gut what the truth was.

               “You volunteered for _hell_ ,” Sephiroth said slowly, carefully, “so we could be together without the company being able to object?”

               “I--!” he started. He paused. He took it back. Looked at his lap. “Yeah.”

               “You…” he said. Pulled in a desperate breath, but it came up short. “You idiot. You complete and utter fool. Cloud Strife, do you have no sense at all?”

               Cloud’s shoulder curled. He bit his lip. He began to feel as ill as Sephiroth did.

               When he dared a glance up and saw tears standing in Sephiroth’s mako green eyes, his stomach wrenched.

               “I’m not worth _that_ ,” he said, in a quieter voice than Cloud had ever heard. If he had been less enhanced, he would have missed it entirely.

               “I—… you don’t—”

               “Cloud, _Cloud_ , I know exactly what you put yourself through. I’m the _only_ one who really knows. I have never been as sure of something in my life as I am that I’m _not_ worth _that_. I never was. I never will be.”

               Cloud pulled himself upright, made an attempt to square his shoulders.

               “Just because you wouldn’t do the same for—”

               “ _Don’t_ ,” Sephiroth snapped, whiplike. The tears slid down his cheeks. “I would do the same, I’d do it in a heartbeat—there’s very little I wouldn’t do to have you at my side again. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do. All the years in the labs, all of Wutai—there’s nothing I’ve seen that I wouldn’t relive for you.”

               Cloud’s brow furrowed.

               “Then—why?” he asked.

               “Because you’re worth the world, Cloud, and I’d do anything to give it to you,” he said. After years, after all the distance, after all the denials, this was too much. It broke him. It tore his resolve to shreds. The truth came out of him like a flood. “Because I love you.”

               “And I love _you_ , Sephiroth,” Cloud said, almost absentmindedly, angry at Sephiroth’s answer, unthinking of how the truth slipped as easily from him as it did Sephiroth. “You’re worth it. You’ve always been worth it, I just never found another way before. I would have stopped, but only because I knew you’d be upset, but the price wasn’t too high. I’ve seen that hell of yours and _it was worth it_. Just to have a chance. I don’t know if it’ll work, but gods, how could I not try?”

               “Cloud—”

               “You’re not some monster, Seph,” Cloud said gently, anger fading. “I know you don’t believe me, I know Hojo beat the idea into your head, but I’d spend forever trying to show you he was wrong. I would do it all over again. You’ll always be worth it.”

               Sephiroth melted.

               Cloud stood, came around the coffee table. He moved slow, giving time for Sephiroth to protest, to pull away or stop him, as he settled himself in the man’s lap. He took his face between his hands, thumbs brushing away the tear tracks.

               “Please,” he whispered. “Please, just let me try.”

               Sephiroth’s hands rose, trembling. He reached out to hold Cloud, but withdrew, reached out, withdrew, dropped his hands. Balled them into fists.

               “I’m not worth it,” he breathed.

               “I disagree.”

               “I’m _not_ —”

               “Sephiroth, I can’t take it back now.”

               “… you shouldn’t have—”

               “But I did.”

               “You should _never_ have—”

               “Sephiroth,” he interrupted, pressing a thumb to the man’s lips. “What’s done is done. Will you let me try?”

               He took Cloud’s hand and pulled it from his face. He didn’t have it in him to drop it. Cloud laced their fingers together.

               “Try?”

               “To be your equal. To earn my spot at your side.”

               “ _Cloud_ , you don’t have to earn anything, you’re already worth more than—”

               “I’m not worth more than you,” he disagreed, voice hushed. His thumb stroked over the back of Sephiroth’s hand. “I want to be with you. Will you let me try?”

               Sephiroth hesitated. He stopped. Sighed. Brought his hand up to cup Cloud’s cheek, mirroring the blond. Cloud leaned into the touch.

               “Could I even stop you?”

               “If you don’t want me—”

               “I’ll _always_ want you—”

               “Then let me earn it.”

               “You don’t have to earn—”

               “Fine, let me prove to everyone _else_ that I’m worth it,” he insisted. He turned and kissed Sephiroth’s palm.

               “I’d happily strangle anyone who disagrees.”

               “While I would _love_ to see you strangle Heidegger, or Scarlet, or any of the other board members, that’s not very practical.”

               “It could be.”

               “Or you could let me prove it to them,” he said, squeezing his hand. “Let me prove it to myself.”

               Sephiroth paused. Hesitated. He knew that feeling. He understood needing to prove his worth to himself. He struggled with it daily.

               “Will you at least let me train you?”

               A smile spread over Cloud’s face.

               “That would be cheating.”

               “No one would even consider saying so.”

               “They’d say it behind our backs.”

               “The SOLDIERs would know better.”

               “No, they wouldn’t, they’d just be quieter about it.”

               “They wouldn’t have to know.”

               “It’d come out sooner or later.”

               “It might not.”

               “Well _I_ think it’d be cheating. It’d be easier if I had practice and got used to fighting you.”

               “I’d be used to fighting you as well. It’d balance out.”

               “You don’t need the help to win.”

               “Once you adjust to your enhancements, I might.”

               “I don’t want the leg up either way.”

               “If you’re sure.”

               “I am.”

               “Can I kiss you?”

               Cloud laughed. It was infectious. Sephiroth was smiling before he realized what he was doing. The blond nodded with a wide grin.

               Sephiroth leaned forward and, for the first time in years, pressed a careful kiss to Cloud’s lips. Cloud’s eyes were still shut when he pulled away, but when he opened them, the blond was glancing down at his mouth (Sephiroth didn’t realize he was doing the same). He surged forward, stealing another brief kiss before leaning back with a smile.

               That was it.

               Sephiroth cupped Cloud’s face between his palms and kissed him soundly, thoroughly, attempting to make up for lost time. Cloud took a matching hold on Sephiroth face, groaned; Sephiroth took advantage of the moment to deepen the kiss, which only earned him a repeat of the sound. It was as good as they had remembered it. Better even, sweeter after those long years.

               They separated reluctantly for breath, Cloud pressing his forehead to Sephiroth’s.

               “We’d better stop,” Cloud whispered.

               “Do we have to?” Sephiroth muttered in return.

               Cloud laughed, a bright, tinkling thing—Sephiroth had missed that sound. Hearing it again unwound a knot from his chest.

               “If we don’t, we’ll be here all night.”

               “Do you have somewhere to be?”

               When Cloud laughed again, it was louder.

               “No, but Zack’ll be mad if we leave him out there to worry the whole time.”

               “He’ll give up eventually.”

               “No he won’t.”

               “He might.”

               “ _Sephiroth_.”

               “Fine,” he agreed, sighing. He let go of Cloud’s face; the blond’s hands slowly slid from his own, the touch lingering.

               “Besides,” he said. “We can’t get caught until I prove myself.”

               Sephiroth let out a frustrated groan of complaint; Cloud laughed again, pressing a quick kiss to Sephiroth’s lips.

               “We waited years, we can wait a little longer.”

               “We waited years, we shouldn’t _have_ to wait any longer.”

               “If we don’t do this right, there’s no point to the whole thing.”

               Sephiroth swore.

               Grinning, Cloud slipped from his lap. He extended his hands, helping Sephiroth from the chair, despite the fact that he didn’t need it. Cloud went to drop their hands, but Sephiroth laced the fingers of his left hand through Cloud’s.

               They couldn’t help but smile at each other.

               Cloud dragged him to the door, opening it to peek out at Zack.

               “Are you two done?” he asked quickly, voice tight with concern. “Is everything okay? I didn’t hear yelling, but that doesn’t mean much, you’re both so quiet, and— _oh_.”

               Zack caught sight of their hands.

                A smile bloomed over his face.

               “I guess I didn’t have to worry after all,” he said, looking between the two.

               Cloud nodded his head back into the apartment, standing aside to let Zack through.

               “C’mon. We should probably all talk together. Coordinate details and all that.”

               “For Mission: Make Cloud Beat Sephiroth?”

               “We never said anything about _that_ ,” Sephiroth protested.

               Cloud laughed.

               “Can’t blame me for trying.”

               “Save it for the spar you two,” Zack said, passing them to enter the apartment.

               Cloud and Sephiroth shared a look. They shared a smile.

               Maybe, after everything, it would be okay after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want anyone to think that I missed a big plot hole and left a loose end, so here's the explanation of how Hojo's enhancement project ended. They brought a second subject in, a cadet who just passed their SOLDIER exams. Having passed the exams but not actually entered the program yet, the cadet wasn't on the SOLDIER roster, so Hojo was able to pull them into the project without anyone missing them. President Shinra placed a gag order on the project until it proved fruitful, which is why Hojo faced no repercussions for lying to Sephiroth about Cloud's involvement. The cadet died from the experiments, and the project was closed; closer study revealed that Cloud only survived from an abnormally high mako tolerance, caused by run-off from the mako fountain in Mt. Nibel contaminating the water supply. It was at a low enough level to not cause any obvious reactions, but his system could withstand significantly higher levels of mako because he had been introduced to it at a young age and built a tolerance from frequent, small doses. This was only discovered after an investigative team was sent to Nibelheim to attempt to figure out if it was a matter of Cloud's DNA or an environmental factor. As the case of Nibleheim's water supply is a rare scenario and difficult to reproduce, it was determined that the odds of finding another candidate with a similar mako tolerance were too low to continue the project. I couldn't find a way to work this in without extending the chapter further and it's long enough as is, though, so here it is instead!


End file.
